Smelling the Cows

Finally at 3:30pm I hauled my butt out of the house to get on the bike. Knowing the winds were 21mph from the NNW with gusts of 27, I knew it was going to hurt.

It was a beautiful sunny day. (well you know MN, it's always overcast with "sun"). The temps were around 52F.

I wanted to ride a metric century but leaving the house so late and since I am riding so slow these days I knew I would end up in the dark and I was very doubtful I could finish a full 62.5 miles.

I have pretty much emptied Rochester Cycling and Fitness clothing inventory (RETAIL THERAPY with EXTENDED GUILT!) so I was anxious to try out the new gear. Maybe I would ride faster with a fuzzy new PI thermal base tank and a very sexy Cannondale Featherweight jersey.

I haven't ridden the Genoa, Zumbrota, Mazeppa loop in ages and I really wanted to visit those sites again. I started out on 19th Ave NW turning North onto Valley High Drive then onto the Douglas Trail head. The winds hit! UGH!!! One thing though, that tank seemed to be cutting it with warmth. :)

I didn't have any speed. It seemed to take forever to get to Douglas but I was hopeful my legs would eventually warm up. I haven't done Genoa much this summer and my riding confidence has pretty much gone to pot since mid August therefore I didn't think it would be a very pretty site riding up Genoa. (I guess it's a good thing nobody took a bite on the WOW ride offer for the weekend.) Unfortunately I get way too nervous about Genoa hill and psych myself out long before I am there.

I made it to Douglas and headed west. UGH the winds! I reached the bottom of Genoa telling myself all sorts of things like "Think of it as a hill repeat, it doesn't last long". "It's not really a hill, it's a disguised flat". "This is what the 200k brevet in CO will feel like so practice the mental skills". NONE of this seemed to help so I settled into the tune of "Whistle while you work" BTW, that's an annoying little diddy when you are climbing.

I once heard someone say about Genoa, "If you have the gears, gear it down and pedal slowly and take as long as you need to get up, it then isn't bad". Well, that's crap. I was in the low gears and I still hurt. My legs didn't hurt but my heart did. Even when I WAS in shape it still hurt although I probably went faster. So I continued my ride, whistling while I worked and staying in a nice state of ANEROBIA.

I reached the top and continued to head West until I hit cty5. Headed North, more winds and turned West again onto cty22 (think that's the one :) I like combining 75th street and 22. With the combination of Genoa and the rollers of the rest of the two roads it makes for a nice challenge especially when you are tired, cold and the winds are hitting you in the face.

At this point on the ride, very few miles into it, I noticed my avg speed sucked! I was getting colder and I had a long way to go. I am way too stubborn to turn and go back home. On went the arm warmers and popped a few shot blocks. I was obviously lacking something.

Few miles go by and I am feeling a bit better. Amazing what a simple 100cals will do to someone. Then chug chug.....those 100 cals gone.......well it's the season to enjoy right? So I watched the cows, looked at the trees and tried to ignore my lack of "speed".

I had to make the decision, turn left and continue on to get the most out of the day or head back to Pine Island. Seeing that daylight was about to end, the decision had to be Pine Island.

When you do stop and smell the roses, or cow manure, it's amazing what one might see. I never had noticed this beautiful rock formation on Cty11. When you swirl down that hill you come upon a quaint farm house with a cute little bridge in the middle of the yard. Minnesota can be quite beautiful when the wind isn't howling down your neck and the snow isn't up to your armpits.

At this point in my ride I was low on liquids, fuel and energy. I was also freezing. I didn't want to stop to layer up because I just wanted to be done with it. I was getting down on myself regarding my pace, my energy and my skill seeming to go to pot.

The only thing that matters is that I was riding. The snow wasn't up to my armpits, the sun was setting and it couldn't be more beautiful.

When you can, go for that ride even if your speed is down or your mind is telling you all sorts of nasty things.

Most importantly, don't forget to stop and smell the cows, it can be quite beautiful.

Spinning Circles

He's pissing me off again.....

Do I or don't I? Can I or can't I? Ride, eat, eat, ride, don't ride, don't eat, don't eat, don't ride. And you wonder why I get absolutely nothing accomplished during the day. The internal struggle is exhausting. I am tired and want to take a nap. I haven't even done anything to deserve a nap.

My head is tired.
My body is tired.
I am tired.

That Folgers Moment!

warning, X rated language ahead......

The dream of sitting, sipping my morning coffee, snuggling with my minnow, starring blankly out the window, having that "Folgers Moment". Peace around the house to start the day off with smiles..... that's all bullshit!

Through many years of guilt I finally decided to get up with the family today. If anyone knows me out there, please remind me to never do that again! It was chaos. One person screaming after another. The little minnow was "in a mood" today. Mr BBB was in his "usual disciplinary mode". The belt, oh the belt, where did the belt go. The boys in my family have a bad habit of losing things. Well maybe better yet said, putting things away in the same spot they are supposed to go. Yes I said supposed to so one could find it the next time one might look for it. Who do they come to? ME. As if I would know where they put things. GRRRRRR!

It seemed to start off well when i was awakened by a cute little shining face looking at me in the bed. He had taken Mr BBB's spot. I was all confused and didn't understand what was going on. I don't remember sleeping. You see, the previous night was a flashback to insomnia so last night I dreaded going to sleep. It was good to wake up and feel as though 6 hours didn't even exist. Even though I am a nine hour girl I'll take a good 6 any day.

After a weekend of PMS eating, GUILT GUILT GUILT, it looks as though my post weekend foraging ride won't take place. It's raining outside. WAAAA! Yeah go ahead, cry for me. I deserve it.

My last two rides KICKED MY ASS! You see I have a little goal of 100 miles a week. I came close last week but needed that ride yesterday, which I didn't take. But anyway, I only got in 3 rides last week but they were killers. I was ignorant about the winds and wow did they hit me in the face. HARD! Struggling to go 10-13mph is really humbling after a very hard summer of training.

I had hoped to do about 60ish miles on Sat but knew that afternoon when I woke up it wasn't going to happen. Yes I DID say afternoon. The Mr said he would go with me. This would be his 2nd time out on his road bike all year. Sure glad he spent a fortune on those road shoes. They are great dust collectors!

I started to prep my bike. Pump the tires, (yes I am a anal retentive tire pumper). 120 in the back and 115 in the front. This is done every time I ride. Bite me if you have a problem with that! The night before, through the lack of sleep I had this premonition that I needed to check my rear wheel for cracks. I just knew that I would find some. Sure enough, cracks ALL around the wheel. UGH!!!!!!! I wasn't aware of any warranty so I was pretty freaked that I would be shelling over some money just for a wheel that couldn't withstand the weight of my large ass. Thoughts of needing a special heavy weight person wheels crossed my mind. (NO I AM NOT feeling very good about myself these days!)

Even though we had a great ride planned out even into the winds I had to make a quick stop at the shop to be told that if I rode my bike the wheel wouldn't explode. The words of wisdom via "Skinny ass racer boy" told me I could ride without fear. It was a nice moment though as I was able to say hi to his beautiful bride who had been helping him all weekend with the garage sale. Moving on...........

We headed out to do the airport loop. I realized I was fucked. One bowl of oatmeal wasn't going to cut it when it was 3:30 in the afternoon and we were going for about 40 miles. Luckily my beloved shop lets me grab a bar and say "charge it" knowing full well I will pay in the future. I guess I should have grabbed 10. I was right, not many miles into the ride I knew there was trouble ahead. Not only were the winds nasty, my legs were not there and my head was fuzzy. I could feel a bonk in the near future. Mr B was having a blast. You see the last ride I took him on I put the hurt on him pretty bad. :) Yes I am evil! This time he knew he would be able to keep up. Another humbling moment on my behalf.

Onto Cty road 1, the winds screamed into our faces. 25mph headwinds with 35 mph gusts. No legs, fuzzy head, no strength, nada. I was screwed. I struggled to get to Simpson with the hopes I could find a Coke. OH how I was craving a Coke. The bar I got didn't help, the gel I was carrying wasn't helping and the Gatorade did absolutely nothing. (Yeah yeah, I don't need to hear it Zen, I know I need to go to the pharmacy and get those glucose tabs.) Sure enough I see a pop machine but only to find out it was abandoned. I wanted to cry. I knew that the airport business district wasn't far but it was far enough that I was frightened about making it there. On top of that the crosswinds kicked my ass.

We made a quick stop at "The Hanger" so I could fill up with some Coke and a half sandwich. Pickle spears, yeah baby, must remember those in the future! I had already gone into the shakes so a good bonk was happening. With some hesitation and much debate I decided against filling my Gatorade bottle with Coke. We finally took off again. The legs were back. just enough to catch a sweet tailwind down Cty 8. Not enough legs though to drop Mr B's ass. That pissed me off! So what should I do? If he could hang with me the entire ride, then make the ride longer :D Somehow I could put the hurt on! Back into the headwinds we went and finally we headed home.

On the last leg of getting home some asshole was pissed that I was riding on the road. He yelled at me "YOU PAY TAXES?!!?? GET OFF THE ROAD YOU STUPID FUCK!" Funny thing, how come only the fat old men yell ignorant things like that? Not that I AM JUDGING! With my mood being as it was, I had hoped since he was paying so much attention to this non-tax paying cyclist, he just might run into the car ahead. Now THAT would have made my day. Nope I am not vindictive at all!

We got home, found the minnow in a pile of leaves. Thankful that the neighbors watched him and let us go on the ride from hell. The day ended eating like shit and starring blankly at the TV.

Back to my cup of Folgers...........

As gun man would say.... "Get your ass back to work!"

Dancing with Ed

Ed and I have been dancing a lot lately. He is my dancing partner.

Sometimes we dance the waltz, a dance that is very smooth and floats across the floor. Other times we are dancing the tango where we move harshly together, forcefully across the floor with very determined motions.

What I need is a new partner. Ed is the lead right now. As a matter of fact I don't need a new partner, I need to dance alone!

Modern dance, that's it!

I can dance towards the refrigerator, to the gym or even to the sofa to sit and enjoy the movie, free of guilt and pressure.

No matter what, my dance can be alone and it's a dance without that weight of Ed pushing me around and dragging me to where he thinks I need to go.

This dance is free of form and Ed. It's my dance.

It's time to go dancing.

A Mapless Journey

9/12/2007

Day five of Zen.

The night of day four I decided I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. I had been taking Zen on routes that I normally ride but I wanted to explore some new territory with him.

Day five....

I hauled my body out of bed once again thinking "What kind of pain I can inflict on Zen today?" Skinny Racer Boy came to mind, he knows his routes, who better to call for a "perfect ride".

Zen awakens from the dead and finds me sitting in the kitchen on the phone with paper and pen in hand and computer to the side. He listens and realizes I am preparing another day of torture.

Zen grabs a cup of coffee and sits down all the time watching me write down one road after another and scanning the computer. He hears me say, "What road again?" over and over again. I repeated routes back to Skinny Racer Boy making sure I had them correct. Then SRB started spouting out different roads messing around and changing already prepared routes. Before you know it I had about four possible planned for the day. The look of horror in Zen's face was priceless. Here I sat with hand written routes and having no clue which one I would take of the four.

You must understand, Zen doesn't work this way nor does he like to. He is a typical Type-A personality, planner, timer, etc. Although I too am Type-A I like to do things on the spur of the moment and much less rigid.

This was pre-breakfast and Zen doesn't operate well without food so I thought that look of fear would be taken care of once his stomach was filled. I was wrong. He continued to watch me write four different map less routes. Yes I said MAP LESS! I then made copies so Zen could have a "map" too.

I am not a fool, I did look at a real map on the computer to see if the coincided with the hand written "maps". I finished and said done! We are going to Wisconsin today. Zen said cool and then asked if I had been there before. I said nope. :) He then said do we know where we are going? I responded "Nope!" :) That look of horror reappeared. Oh it was going to be a beautiful day indeed!

Now, I didn't only not know where we were going on the bike ride, I didn't know how to get to the town where we were going to start the ride. At least Google could help me with that one. I was excited. I love little "journeys".

Zen goes downstairs to dress and I quickly packed the car in my PJ's. He comes upstairs to find me still not dressed to ride but in shock that the car was packed and ready to go. Even Scarlet was in the car. His mouth dropped! I quickly got dressed and we were off.

I get just to the outskirts of town and pulled out a hand written map to direct us to our destination. I handed it to Zen and he rolls his eyes. I told him to shut up and read. Yes a beautiful day indeed.

We somehow arrived in Alma Wisconsin. The bluffs were all around. It was beautiful. The wind was only slightly blowing and the sun was out. It was perfect riding weather.

We both had to go to the bathroom before we got on the bike. We entered the small town cafe and was immediately drowned with eyes all around. We must have looked like aliens in our lycra. With such great land all around had they really never seen a cyclist?

We got a good chuckle out of the cafe incident and hit the road. Well before we hit the road Zen was adamant that we were supposed to go the other direction, I knew otherwise, at least I had hoped. The journey had just begun. :D

Down the road we go. We knew we were in for some pain. You don't ride in and out of the bluffs without pain but I just didn't realize how quickly the pain would begin. We made it maybe a 10th of a mile down the road and I see a truck turn left, I witnessed it going straight UP a hill. I thought to myself, "Please God don't let that be our road." Sure enough, I stuck out my arm and we turned left. I heard a murmur behind me "Ah man this is gonna hurt!" Poor poor Zen. (As if Mountain Boy had ANY right to talk about pain after what he did to me in July. )

We turn and head up the hill at a nice speed of stall. I hadn't gone climbing since July, I knew I was in trouble. I had to prove to MT Boy that I hadn't lost my touch. I started pedaling with Zen behind. I don't know how far I had gone but I was losing it. I thought all the time Zen was right behind so I yelled out STOPPING!!! I stopped and hung my body over my handlebars then I stood up and turned around. I was alone. Where was Zen?

All sorts of thoughts crossed my mind, did he fall, did he have a heart attack, did he get a flat. I debated turning around to go find him but I REALLY did NOT want to go back down, so I waited and waited and waited. I started getting worried but around the bend he came. Mtb was out of the saddle and "walked" right by saying, "What's wrong Pinky, got a problem?" What a BRAT!

We crested that hill and once we both got our breath back we started cracking up. Yes a beautiful day indeed!

Shortly after the cute little flat we had to go back down. I was warned that there might be some gravel to descend on. I really down played this gravel descent in my mind until I saw it. It wasn't gravel nor was it sand. It was a steep descent of freshly graded sand and gravel. Mountain Boy got a bit cocky because he knew he was going to kick my ass here. I don't like descending and I really don't like riding on sand or gravel on a flat let alone this curving steep descent.

We started down. It wasn't long before Zen was out of my sight. I started to panic and I stopped, then rode, then stopped, then rode. I didn't know what to do. He decided to wait for me and when he saw me he saw that I was off my bike walking it. He yelled at me to get back on the bike and ride. My stubborn self told him where to go but I eventually obeyed. He told me to ride faster and that would help with controlling my bike. I decided to leave one foot unclipped so if I fell I was a least prepared. I also knew if I fell it would be a "soft" landing.

I met Zen at the bottom. It was a T-intersection. My head was all over the place. Here we were, we had climbed a steep hill and descended a sandy one and there was one big problem, my "map" didn't have a T-intersection! What do I do? I refused to go back up and I didn't know which way to go so I settled on going left. Zen yells back at me "Which way girlie"? I answered "Left!" with a muttered "I think". He looks down at his map and said, "There isn't a T-intersection so are you sure?" The BRAT was already ahead of me. I shouldn't have given him a map. He knew I had NO CLUE where we were going. BRAT! I looked at him with confidence saying we needed to go left, I was positive it was left. He just gave me a look with an added cocky comment "Please try to steer us away from sandy roads will ya?" BRAT! (as if I knew what we were going to be riding on, he knew that too!)

I started to ride after him and then I was hit with the realization of what we were in for, we had no map and were lost in the middle of nowhere WI. A huge burst of laughter came out of me. Before I knew it I had spewed Gatorade all over my shoes, my handle bars and out my nose. Brat witnessed this and just about fell off his bike.

The journey had just begun. We continued on my route, which was correct by the way, and had a blast. One oddity though, we got stuck in a time warp. We went past the town of "Tell" about six times. What's up with that? At this time I don't think I had ever laughed so hard.

The ride continued with a slight panic of losing daylight. What else is new, Zen was riding with me. There was only some debate to where we were going. More so a debate which way would be the fastest. Zen was completely happy taking the "flat" route back, I on the other hand wanted to climb. So guess which way we went. My way of course. I was the one with the "MAP"!

We wiggled and waggled our way through the bluffs of WI and took the flat road along the Mississippi. It was a great pace line road. We each took our pull into the wonderful head winds and ended back at our original destination, Alma, WI.

One more trip into the cafe bathroom and we packed up. I started the car but couldn't drive. I went into hysterics. I have never had a better ride in my life!

Moral of the story, one does not need a map to get around, one just needs Gatorade!

Thanks dude for trusting in me.

Possible Wuss?

9/11/07

Day four of Zen....

As previously mentioned, Minnesota is rather windy. One really hasn't ridden in Minnesota UNLESS YOU RIDE in the wind.

I was awakened on Tuesday with the howling sounds of wind coming through the roof vents and rattling of the windows. I looked out the bedroom windows and saw my beautiful Maple tree bent in half. Yup, another beautiful day in Minnesota.

I laid in the bed thinking to myself that there was NO way I was going to get Mountain Boy out for a ride today. How could I possibly manipulate him to ride in that wind?

I sat up and got myself out of bed. I walked to the kitchen and was startled to see him actually up first! There he stood in the kitchen, looking out the back window with another look of horror on his face. I went up next to him, both of us stood there blankly staring out the window in silence as we watched my trees leaning halfway over as the wind blew them not only sideways but in circles. Once again I was thinking how I was going to manipulate him to ride in this weather?

I decided to be kind. I told him we would take the day off. You should have seen the look on his face. His body relaxed, he took a huge sigh of relief.

We didn't ride that day we drove around where I would have taken him riding. We went to the mall. We did nothing. But we had fun no matter what.

Is he a Wuss? Na, he's my friend.

A friend that I decided to take it "easy on".

Riding with a Pro.

9/10/07

Day three of Zen..............

Since I know a "Pro" I....yeah I know a "Pro"....I thought I'd call him and see if he wanted to ride with us. Being that I am such a cool chick the "Pro" of course accepted my offer. Well actually he wasn't a "Pro" at the time but soon became one shortly after this ride. http://www.charlytri.blogspot.com/

Zen and I were a bit nervous about the hurt Gunman could put on us. We were told no worries, it was his tempo day and he would ride his mountain bike in the big gear the whole time. (and that he did.) Although I towed him up a hill, who really is the stronger one? :P

It was a chilly evening and we started out at 6ish. The nights are getting shorter and I knew we wouldn't get in much of a ride. Gunman didn't bring his super dooper heavy duty lighting system so we couldn't night ride even though we ended up doing it anyway.

You see, I had a route in mind. I get a bit stubborn and really want to finish things. Well "said Pro" decided that we should change the route. We had been arguing how late it would be if we went my way, so his way would be better. Actually the words were , "Want to go for a cooler ride that has a bit of a nasty part?" Well who isn't up for cooler. We headed off his way.

We came upon a few dogs that the guys couldn't seem to bark off, so I, the meek little woman that I am yelled sternly and left them cowering in the ditch. The dudes just looked at each other. They knew they weren't riding with no wimp anymore!

The cooler ride turned out to be great! This was undiscovered land to me. Of course we were riding into the wind, when aren't you in MN, but we were having a blast. At least I was.

We had smooth peaceful roads in the middle of the corn fields. Zen and Gunman rode off together, oh wait, they rode behind me *wink*, and I pretty much was on my own. "Said Pro" didn't care for a chick being ahead of him so he constantly had to catch up.

I have always enjoyed talking to Gunman. He has listened to me yap on and on and on but there was enlightenment. This man can yap as much as I can if not more! For the first time on a group ride I didn't have to talk if I wanted conversation. I was able to listen to Gunman and Zen yap together and enjoy the beautiful land we were on.

The smooth course ended and we hit the roughest part of Highway 52. Who rides on Hwy. 52 in the first place? Obviously crazy Gunman!

The sun was going down and we could not see, or at least I couldn't see. I tried to catch a wheel as we zig zagged along the narrow shoulder of Hwy. 52 trying to not hit the potholes (future lakes of MN). What made it interesting was that the potholes were not only holes but huge cracks along the road the ran parallel to the road which made it a gutter in itself to ride in, or to not if you could. A few miles down we turned in front of the cars that were flying by us, onto a nice peaceful road again.

Zen was "a bit" low on fuel and we were both tired from the previous days of riding. Gunman was still in his big gear, he's the "Said Pro" right? The light was nearly gone and we were still fairly far out of town. Zen wasn't so pleased about our riding style, lack of light, busy roads and potholes but I know he had a blast.

We turned right onto Cty 1 heading back towards town. This is the best road to pace line on. We started a nice line clipping along at a decent speed. Not a speed that hurt but one that was a blast. There was no need to have the best pace, there was a need to fly. And that we were.

Gunman was pulling, I was in the middle and Zen was sucking off my wheel. :D Gunman started yapping, I mean, to tell a story about a chick in town that is always begging to ride with him. The thing about this chick is that she always sucks off his wheel when she rides with him. I asked him who it was, he explained that she was really cool and a nice person but............. then BAM, I realized this chick he was talking about was me!

I got in front and took the pull. Gunman didn't want to admit but he really did need the break. I guess riding in the big gear was beginning to take a toll on him. I couldn't help but break out into a big smile.

We hit the last hill to descend or shall I say the only one to descend on that particular ride. Yeah, it's MN.

Gunman pulled his competitive side out again and decided to pass me and get in front. Then next came Zen. Men, do they always have compete?

The rest of the ride consisted of quiet town roads where Gunman directed us back to the shop. It was pitch black at this point and all we had were little tail lights. I took the back because Zen didn't bring his light. What was he thinking? Did he honestly think we wouldn't be out doing crazy stuff like riding around town in pitch black without lights?

Seriously, who did Zen come to visit?

Thanks Gunman for the wonderful ride and thanks Zen for you understanding! :D

Another Hypoxian lie?

9/09/07

Day two of Zen....

A beautiful, sunny calm day in Minnesota. *WINK*

After a day of travel and a kick your butt ride, I "allowed" Zen to sleep in. Poking around the house, chit-chatting, drinking coffee and watching TV, we were not in a hurry to get out and ride. (I already looked at the forecast so I knew what was in store for the day) hehe.

I happened to see Zen look out the window and I gave a little smirk. He just looked at me in horror. I don't know why, the trees were only moving a tiny little bit. :D

I had a great route planned where I was going to keep Zen out of the wind, for the most part. I didn't know for sure if the winds were going to stay or move on us, so we had better get out and ride. I managed to hurry his butt into his cycling clothing.

I promised over and over again that he would be in the wind "only a little" and that much of that would be downhill. Once we got to the bottom of the hill we were smooth sailing UNTIL we hit a nice rolling road that wouldn't last long.

You see, Zen isn't used to rolling terrain or harsh Minnesota winds. Even though he is a mountain boy and had a surplus of oxygen he still had some things to overcome. Our land is different. One doesn't just get in a gear and climb, here you get "teased" by the land. You set a pace, slow it down, faster pace, set a pace, slow down...repeat....and while you are doing that you are praying to God that you don't fall over holding your line due to a cross wind.

We had a great time heading out on the trail. Laughing, smiling, it was good to be with a friend.

The wind didn't bother him too much, I don't think, and since I promised it was smooth sailing after that I knew all would be good. The winds hit us from the North and I turned us around going South onto this nice FLAT road.

We rode along and I told him to not fret it was actually a false flat. There was a reason for a bit more effort. Then we hit the first hill. I smiled and told him it was the only one on this road. As we reached the top of that hill I looked ahead. #*%@! I forgot about the "FEW" rollers, and good ones at that, on this road. I didn't dare look over because I could feel the presence of the Hypoxian Lie coming forth upon me. I smiled, apologized and told him I truly thought that road was flat but I NEVER said the one we were about to turn on was. HAHA!

As you looked ahead you could see nothing but rolling terrain. Once again, Zen's head went down, shook it, looked back up at me and gave me the "look".

Sorry dude, I guess Hypoxians Lie even in Minnesota. :P

We came home, Mr Triple B had cooked us a lovely dinner and the rest of the night was movie time.

Another GREAT day with my friend Zen.

Zen's "Arrival"

9/08/07

Day one of Zen...

Running ragged, picking up the house, making it "perfect" for my friend I hurried off to take that much needed shower. Zen was to be here in 1 hour! YIPPEE!!!!!

The phone rings, hubby answers and I hear "OH NO!!" SOMEONE decided to sleep in!...... with the ETA of one hour the man was STILL IN CO!

HE MISSED HIS PLANE!!!!
(Would you take that personally? I am not sure if I should or not) :P

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........

Finding out I could pick him up in Minneapolis, not Rochester (BTW, DON'T EVER fly in or out of Rochester!) I hurried off to make sure I could get there on time.

I guess I was TOO excited to see Zen because the State Patrol decided to have a meeting with me. He even escorted me to the side of the road with the most beautiful flashing colored lights and bonus sounds of sirens. I was told my eagerness was showing and I needed to slow down.

Flippin $187.00 later, gas mileage on top and slightly late, I picked up the man at the MSP airport.

Oh, I almost forgot to add this part.......... WITHOUT BIKE!

Zen was greeted by the famous "Blue Eyes hug". BTW, If you ever get the opportunity to receive a "Blue Eyes Hug" you shouldn't pass it up. - I'm telling ya man.....just ask someone that has received one.

anyway...

Paranoia set in believing all State Patrol were out to get me, I couldn't relax and enjoy the drive back. All I wanted to do was get out on the bike and relax with my best friend.

The ETA of Scarlet was 3pm. Two hours later after we arrived Rochester with a quick tour of the house and a stop at the shop for a meet and greet of the awesome people of Rochester Cycling and Fitness ,we headed for the metropolis Rochester Airport.

SCARLET WASN'T THERE!!

Where was she? Nobody knew! All to find out the airplane was too small to carry a bike! Hey did I say to never travel in or out of Rochester? Believe me, follow those golden words.

I needed that ride so the kind Mr B'Cubed offered his bike so Zen and I could head out. Looking back I decided that I wasn't the kindest person in the world. Fearing Zen would laugh at our terrain, being a mountain boy I decided that I would hurt him with the pace! :D Yeah I know, I have problems, muwahahahaaha.......

I took him on my super flat safe route. Salem road to Salem Corners, Cty 3 to Rockdell, Cty 30 east to Cty 15 back to Salem Road. Homeward bound.

The land being easy, lots of air to breathe there was one problem.... the man forgot to eat! Now I warned him from the beginning that food wasn't going to be my responsibility so we had a "bit" of a problem. Right as I was saying "Oh baby I'm finally warmed" up he said "You know that floating feeling, the kind that is pre-bonk? I am feeling that now." I was in horror, the best was yet to come....it was time to FLY! After his comment I said "Time to fly baby!" Then sympathy overcame me and I asked if I needed to slow down. Zen looked down, shook his head in fear of what the rest of the week might bring , gave me a "look" with permission to keep riding as we were. :D

All being said, he had a blast on that ride (I think) and we stuffed his face that night at Famous Dave's. Nothing better than bar-b-Que for a meat loving man.

Happy tummy....Good Ride.... Scarlet here...Zen was ready to settle in for the week.

How wonderful to have someone care enough to take time off work and visit me.

Oxygen for Zenland

Zenland is coming to Minnesota and it's time to ride baby!

Where does one take a mountain boy to ride in Minnesota? Sure we can do hill repeats on Genoa but I know that won't last long. The beauty of Whitewater is underwater so that's out too.

Zenland is going to kick my butt!

I don't know why I am fretting being that I have spent the last month redecorating, cleaning , cleaning, cleaning.......(got that Sugar Daddy?)..... it's not like I am going to have the legs to ride anyway. Wow that was sure proven last night. Just two weeks ago I was feeling on top of my game and now last in line. Did I tell you last night's ride sucked? I'll tell you now, it SUCKED and I couldn't even suck at that! HA I sucked at sucking.

Zenland is going to kick my butt!

Christine and I are out of sync. There must be this magical gear I am missing. Nothing is grovin. One gear too hard, other too easy. Yeah yeah, I know, "quit your complaining Blue Eyes! Just get on the bike and ride. Make sure you are unplugged while you are at it!" Sound about right?

By the way, Zenland is going to kick my butt!

The Gun Man keeps telling me this off and on riding can really f' up my performance. Get outta here man, who would have thought of that? :P Others say rest is good, builds strength. It probably would have been good if I was resting while I was resting but I've been working my @$# off all month trying to"find my house". It's been a struggle and I am absolutely exhausted.

...and get this, Zenland is going to kick my butt!

I better find strength sometime soon cause time is running out. Ride time around the corner. Sat ETA is 11. The man will arrive. What was he thinking? I sure hope he knows how to cook because all I care about is laughing and pedaling.

Must go clean some more!

Later folks.

Hey did I tell you that Zenland is going to kick my butt?

The Power of the Force

I was once told that Ed can go away forever. Through much reading and mental battles I fully believe that is a falsehood. Although, who am I to predict the future?

Ed and I have been best friends since grade school if not younger. He has always been with me. He talked to me, he helped me through my loneliness but most of all he allowed me to gain some control in life the control that was being stripped away.

Childhood rape is a very dangerous thing. I am not using the word rape as most people would think, sexual rape, I am using the word rape as the act of being stripped of all dignity, happiness and self-worth. The child's' soul is left empty, scared, full of hatred and confusion. Living with constant anxiety are the results of such happenings.

Now having said all that I want to return to my friendship with Ed. I know this blog entry will disappoint many people but I need to be truthful. People want me to say Ed is a separate entity. He is and he isn't. That is where I get very confused.

As I speak of my desires regarding my body image I hear "Wow Ed's got you by the &#%@!" I usually end up replying "No it's how I really feel, my belief, my truth." I then go into my spiel how truth lies in the eye of the beholder. If the beholder's eye sees a particular image therefore isn't it truth to that person? Comments such as these end up with eye rolls, amazement and shakes of the head. "Blue Eyes, you are finagling things again." - sigh!

I happen to like Ed. He helps me "get my act together". He keeps me accountable. He tells me to workout when I really need that push. He keeps me going when I want to give up. He pushes me beyond any limit I thought I could ever go. He is my friend but there is one major problem....He's a SOB!

He is mean, abusive, argumentative, foreceful, manipulative and extremely powerful. He is my force. He leads me to the dark side. He is a demon. Why do I choose to be friends with a demon? I guess I am too co-dependent. I need him. How can I break a friendship with someone that's been with me since I was a little child?

"Break free, hate him, push him away, put him in a box, bury him, tell him to leave you alone"... all suggestions I have heard. It's almost like I have schizophrenia, I see this "Force". He doesn't have a face, he doesn't have a form, he is a voice. A voice that NEVER goes away, a voice that is with me CONSTANTLY! He uses MY voice. How do I break free from MY OWN VOICE?

I know I need help but I have to want it. I am not sure I am ready at this time.

As a wise man once said......

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
----Martin Luther King Jr.

I guess I need to start standing up straight.

The fruit of the Cow

Now I know most of you might be thinking through my perspective, "The fruit of the Cow" would be the wonderful creation, the Dairy Queen Blizzard. I must confess, that would be correct for most days but not today.

I am speaking of the original fruit, fruit once forbidden, a fruit otherwise known as Cheese.

Yes folks I am talking about Cheese tonight. How did this wonderful creation come about? Did someones mistake of leaving the milk out create a science project within the well? I am not sure nor do I care to investigate this matter. The reason I speak of this topic is due to it's beauty.

Not only does Cheese come in all shapes, sizes, textures, densities, and colors there is one very unique characteristic of Cheese, that would be it's aroma. Need I say more? If I do, you need to invest in more cheese. And that my friend is your own personal problem that I cannot help you with. Check out your your local grocery store and I am sure they would be more than willing to expand your horizons.

So here I sit eating my plain broccoli. Some might call that the fruit of little trees, but that would be another blog entry that I don't wish to discuss either. By the way, thank you very much for your understanding at my lack of enthusiasm of not wanting to talk about little trees.

Back on topic, broccoli or was it cheese? Hmmm now I have confused myself. If you have read any of my other blog entries I am sure you will easily excuse me for any lack of concentration on my behalf.

Yes it was cheese. I sit here eating plain little trees thinking that my mother always told me to eat them because they were good for me. Good and nasty at the same time. But they can be saved. Seriously folks I kid you not. The fruit of the Cow can save the little tree.

Being that the fruit of the Cow comes in all forms it does create a dilemma on which type of Cheese you choose to use for little tree saving. My choice was easy. The choice was given to me via Whirlpool and Kraft.

Sitting there eating the plain little trees, enlightenment came upon me. "Blue Eyes, open the big black box made by Whirlpool." said the little voice in my head. Of course there are other voices but at this moment I chose to listen to this voice, the voice of the Cow. I could hear it.....Mooooo........Moooooo.............Mooooooooo.

I opened up the door and there it was and nicely packaged in a Kraft easy zip plastic (I am sure designed by Cryovac). A beautiful mixture of Colby and Monterey Jack. Who was Colby and Monterey Jack? How did their names become the names of Cheeses? And what was their heritage, their mother's maiden name? Oh so many questions but best wait yet for another day.

I sprinkled the fruit of the Cow on my plain little trees and such a delight was born. A moment decided, marked in history, no more shall I eat plain little trees for they shall be covered by the fruit of the Cow.

Save the little trees from their depths of despair for they are lonely. Open your eyes to the fruit of the Cow and you will be free too.

Align the Mind

Having forced myself though another day, sleep came with difficulty. As much as my mind needed to stop I couldn't get it to settle for a good nights sleep.

Another day calmed by pharmaceuticals. Another night survived by pharmaceuticals. Thank God for drugs! Don't get me wrong, I abhor relying on drugs to get me through a day but if that's what it takes so be it.

I arose earlier than normal today to see what the world might bring by having a few more moments of time. I immediately had thoughts of fear and panic. I realized quickly that whatever might be the result is out of my control even if that meant losing someone dear to me.

To keep myself safe today I asked if someone would stay home with me. Always a wise move on my part.

One of my first thoughts this morning was to stay in touch with my emotions and not let them ride like a free ticket to Disneyland. If I could hold onto one thought at a time, one moment, then possibly I can control the vampires that want to suck my lifeblood.

Emotional regulation, staying in the moment, mindfulness, I will try anything today to keep my mind out of the gutter.

My first attempt, concentration on making the bed. Pull the sheets, tuck the sheets, pull the comforter, tuck the comforter, straighten out my work, add toss on the throw pillows. What may sound like a simple task to another was quite an interesting battle for me.

The first attempt successful until I had to get a cup of coffee. Demon bombardment. It is amazing that I might have to be doing this 24/7. My only hope is it eventually becoming permanent via practice. That is if I have the energy to practice and remember to practice.

Second attempt, get on the computer and talk to a friend. Success thus far. I fear, fear. I fear my words,I fear my thoughts, I fear what I might say to my friend.
.....................................

A few hours later........

I find myself in constant battle. The demands are strong and the feelings intense. This is going to be another tough day.

I pray for peace but in reality does it matter?

Driven by demons within.....

Fighting within the demons that slay me. The desire is so strong to empty the space that contains these thoughts. The options are great but the alternatives are slight. I am numb with an innate desire to get rid of the pain. How ironic to be numb but filled with such pain.

One might ask why contained with such pain. Is it a curse, is it my life to be, will it end? I desire to know the answers but it is not my right therefore I will continue to fight.