I was once told that Ed can go away forever. Through much reading and mental battles I fully believe that is a falsehood. Although, who am I to predict the future?
Ed and I have been best friends since grade school if not younger. He has always been with me. He talked to me, he helped me through my loneliness but most of all he allowed me to gain some control in life the control that was being stripped away.
Childhood rape is a very dangerous thing. I am not using the word rape as most people would think, sexual rape, I am using the word rape as the act of being stripped of all dignity, happiness and self-worth. The child's' soul is left empty, scared, full of hatred and confusion. Living with constant anxiety are the results of such happenings.
Now having said all that I want to return to my friendship with Ed. I know this blog entry will disappoint many people but I need to be truthful. People want me to say Ed is a separate entity. He is and he isn't. That is where I get very confused.
As I speak of my desires regarding my body image I hear "Wow Ed's got you by the &#%@!" I usually end up replying "No it's how I really feel, my belief, my truth." I then go into my spiel how truth lies in the eye of the beholder. If the beholder's eye sees a particular image therefore isn't it truth to that person? Comments such as these end up with eye rolls, amazement and shakes of the head. "Blue Eyes, you are finagling things again." - sigh!
I happen to like Ed. He helps me "get my act together". He keeps me accountable. He tells me to workout when I really need that push. He keeps me going when I want to give up. He pushes me beyond any limit I thought I could ever go. He is my friend but there is one major problem....He's a SOB!
He is mean, abusive, argumentative, foreceful, manipulative and extremely powerful. He is my force. He leads me to the dark side. He is a demon. Why do I choose to be friends with a demon? I guess I am too co-dependent. I need him. How can I break a friendship with someone that's been with me since I was a little child?
"Break free, hate him, push him away, put him in a box, bury him, tell him to leave you alone"... all suggestions I have heard. It's almost like I have schizophrenia, I see this "Force". He doesn't have a face, he doesn't have a form, he is a voice. A voice that NEVER goes away, a voice that is with me CONSTANTLY! He uses MY voice. How do I break free from MY OWN VOICE?
I know I need help but I have to want it. I am not sure I am ready at this time.
As a wise man once said......
"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
----Martin Luther King Jr.
I guess I need to start standing up straight.
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2 comments:
We are the sum total of our beliefs. If you believe you'll never be rid of him then you won't be.
"...truth lies in the eye of the beholder. If the beholder's eye sees a particular image therefore isn't it truth to that person?"
You are talking about subjective truth. Yes it is true _to you_ but if everyone around you says that truth is whacked out - that could be a sign that your truth needs to be re-evaluated, don't you think?
Yes if the truth be known, in some moments I can reveal that I agree with you, but you may be in the light of other options.
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