Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 29. Yes indeed, 29. I have had a rough week and was hoping that the day wouldn't turn into the rest of the week.
I woke up and sat on my butt. And sat, and sat, and sat. Not a bad way to start a birthday if you ask me. I received a phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in ages. We spent a long time on the phone. Too bad I don't hear from her more often.
I also had two e-cards waiting for me and then later in the day I received two over the seas calls, one from my little brother and one from my big brother. Thanks guys! You had the right day! My blood brother sent me a text message but I didn't know who it was from. It only had a phone number that I was not familiar with. Does that tell you anything? He was shocked to see that I didn't have my only brother's cell phone number in my address list. Well, being that he wouldn't give it to me a year ago, nor have I talked to him in a year (and at that I talk to him only once a year) how would I know who it was. I thought it might be a secret admirer.
I called my coach and discussed some training issues and then some other issues. He's such a great guidance for me. Someone I would also call, friend. He keeps reminding me of a philosophy by Kurt Vonnegut. We are born into the world, into a family. These people may be genetically blood family but our true family may exist elsewhere. My small cell of a family is growing. I had always hoped to have many friends but I think now, in my old age of 29, it's better to have a handful of close friends than a group of people that may not always be there for you in the future.
I believe we are guaranteed in life very little but through each day we are given the opportunity of challenge. The next day isn't just a sunrise and a sunset, it's a day of exploration. Be it exploration of ones inner self, talking to a total stranger, running around the house acting and screaming like monkeys or may it be sitting and watching the snow fall. Whatever it is, it's out there. I need to remind myself of that when the tide is high.
I was slow to respond to my routine yesterday. I did get on the bike for a short bit, a little is better than nothing right? I hurried off for a massage. I had a gift certificate for a 60 min massage that turned into 90 minutes of bliss. I never knew the therapist would find knots in my face. I always knew I was naughty but not...
My family picked me up and we went out to eat. The last minute decision was Green Mill. Low fat chicken pizza, yum!! My son was set up for swim night at the RAC so we dropped him off and hubby and I headed for a movie. He decided on "Twilight". Man I'm telling you Vampires are sexy! :)I am anxious to read the book. Mr Blue Eyes tolerated the movie with a few groans and rolls of his eyes.
We picked up the kid and he managed to manipulate us into going out for "Mommy birthday dessert". HA! More like his own dessert. I already had some candy at the movie therefore I didn't need more sugar. Evil stuff! I did splurge on spinach dip and chips. I had only eaten half a personal low fat chicken pizza for the day and I was feeling funky. Of course we find out that the birthday girl gets a free Sundae. How can I say no to that? So yes, the night ended with guilt trip over dessert and movie candy.
Since there wasn't much family celebration yesterday my son was really wanting to celebrate his mom today. I woke up this morning to breakfast in bed, a pile of presents, homemade cards (and Hallmark as well) and a sign hanging from the hallway saying Happy Birthday Mommy! So far that's pretty much been my day. I have been bombarded by my blood family over Christmas presents. That's been relentless since October. Calgon take me away, Please???
It's early evening and I have a 30 min session on the bike and a hour of lifting at the gym waiting for me. Time for me to head out of this small, cramped dusty house!
For those family members of mine celebrating their birthday today or yesterday, Happy Birthday!
May you all have peace, remember to explore the day and enjoy the rest of the weekend.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Memoir of the Tablespoon
Many of you know I have decided to battle Ed with a vengeance. As if this isn't hard enough I have placed myself in another's hands, someone I trust. Someone in which I must confide all my little embarrassments, which leads me to vulnerability. This is as if I wasn't already vulnerable enough losing my best friend (Ed). I am also taking the next step up in the world of healthy eating. I have been a healthy eater for many years but now I am stepping into the world of the unknown. Actually I am not stepping, I leaped.
Through much convincing, coaxing and pleading I have decided to try to cut sugar out of my diet, to the best of my ability. This was not and is not easy. I went a week or two with horrible jonesing. I decided that since I am someone that can't delete foods out of my diet (because that just pushes Ed even more) I would treat myself to a little dessert once a week. Every time I do that I end up jonesing for a couple more days.
That's not the only interesting part of the diminished sugar diet. I have found other positives as well. My body seems to hate when I put sugar back in. I feel achy, irritable, moody and very bloated. I feel like I have literally gained 10lbs overnight. When I keep the sugar out, these symptoms happen much less. Unless I go and beat the crap out of my body lifting weights. :)
My quest to relieve PMDD (Pre-Menstural Dysphoric Disorder, something I have had to deal with for years) has been somewhat relieved by the withdrawal of sugar. The results have been pleasing. Of course not every month has been a ball of joy but I can say within the last three months the symptoms are more tolerable. The best part is my breasts don't triple in size and scream in pain when the wind blows. I'm not trying to be graphic, but I hope if anyone else can benefit from hearing my story, they too might get some relief.
This journey has led me to sign up at a recipe a day site. I wake up every morning and have an email waiting with the new "Recipe of the Day". Of course it's usually something I am not interested in, but it's still a great site that offers plenty of recipes I am willing to try. They offer great recipes of all sorts. Diabetic cooking, quick cooking, light cooking, Holiday cooking and many other dinner ideas. My mind says, "no fat, no sugar, no white food" so I have to do a lot of tweaking to my meals. The other day my husband said to me "Who are you and what have you done to my wife? When did you become such a good cook?" My reply, "What do you mean a good cook?" "You know, the last two weeks!" He has been getting meals of all sorts. All new and within those new meals are lots of interesting stories.
We had a rather extravagant meal last night, at least for us. I made Green Beans with caramelized garlic, a carrot salad dish, Pepper and Garlic-Crusted Tenderloin Steaks with Port Sauce, couscous and pineapple slices. Being that I am allergic to red wines I had to figure out another form of "sauce" to put on the steaks. Being that we didn't have any steak I used pork. I believe all recipes are made to be broken. The most interesting dish happened to be the Green beans with caramelized garlic. This recipe came with a bonus, the making of garlic oil to be used in the future.
Garlic Oil stored for the future may be a common thing to some but a new idea for me. You must keep in mind I have ADD in the kitchen. I don't like to cook, I hate the "first time preparation" of a recipe. I can't concentrate enough and get lost within the recipe and if I am not careful I will accidentally skip the most important step. Through my kitchen adventures I have learned to make popcorn rice and I have burned all sorts of dishes that have left battle wounds on my body, but most importantly I've decided I need a new stove and a whole bunch of new cooking utensils.
The recipe begins. You need a saute pan, 1/2 cup of olive oil and an entire garlic bulb. I, of course, held up the garlic and asked my husband "Is this a bulb?" He smiled and told me yes while nervously sitting in the living room waiting oh, so patiently. So I went for it. I started tearing apart the garlic bulb. I could already see this wasn't going to be easy. Peeling garlic is like trying to open up clam shell packaging. Mind you I have a nine year old that loves to help, this just wasn't the time for him to be puttering about the kitchen. Our kitchen is very small and, need I say more?
OK garlic peeled. I threw the garlic into the oil and I started to see it "cook". Boil? Sizzle? FRY? I thought, "hmmmm they didn't tell me anything about this". I mean what was I thinking? I was heating oil! Should it not fry the item that is applied to it?
So I let it be although I did turn the burner down a bit. I set the timer but forgot to turn it on. Another typical "Blue Eyes in the kitchen" moment. I started to panic as I saw the garlic getting darker and Darker and DARKER. OK it was done and I needed to get 2Tbs out of the "sizzling" oil to use for the rest of the recipe and the remaining oil was to be put in the fridge. Easy right? Not so much.
I wasn't prepared for a place to set the oil nor did I have a Tablespoon out. Imagine digging for a TBS in a junk drawer while holding a pan full of hot oil and rapidly burning garlic. Get the picture? Here I am holding the pan of oil as the garlic was continuing to cook, husband and child in the way and I was beginning to panic. I didn't want to start step one with a dismal failure so I was determined to get this right. I decided on a coffee cup for the oil and finally found the Tablespoon. The garlic was a "bit" darker than it should be but eh, what isn't that I cook? Here we go.
I take the Tablespoon and try to get the oil out. I was being very careful to not spill the hot oil and was having difficulty getting a Tablespoon filled. Finally the spoon filled, I pulled it out of the pan and dumped it into the coffee cup. While pouring that in I noticed something out of the ordinary. My Tablespoon was no longer a spoon. It was deformed, mutated and had strings hanging from it. I had also set the spoon I was using to stir the oil in the pan as I was spooning out the oil. If my Tablespoon was that mutated, what was the spoon in the pan going to look like? I quickly dropped the "Tablespoon" and grabbed the stirring spoon. The stirring spoon had molded to the pan and was stuck.
Hmmmmm, is plastic garlic oil healthy?
Yes folks, I was using plastic in hot oil. I announced from the kitchen "It's time for a trip to the kitchen supply store!" I never knew this new adventure would end up in retail therapy. Maybe eating healthy has more benefits than just a healthy body. Maybe it will replace the need for weekly therapy. I chuckled over all of this and continued to make the rest of the meal. Of course my nerves were a bit shaken, then again with kitchen ADD, they always are.
In the end it was a "success". We sat at the dining room table with the candles lit. My husband was grateful and wanted to eat every morsel I made, even the left overs I planned for his lunch. I had to stop him. I can't help my cooking is so good! To top it off, my son tried half of a pineapple slice.YIPPEE!
OH HEY! I just got a text message from my husband saying his lunch is delicious! Indeed a triumph! Oh wait, he just told me that it's time for some metal measuring spoons and thought it would be a great birthday gift for me. Hmph!
A mutated Tablespoon to triumph!
Through much convincing, coaxing and pleading I have decided to try to cut sugar out of my diet, to the best of my ability. This was not and is not easy. I went a week or two with horrible jonesing. I decided that since I am someone that can't delete foods out of my diet (because that just pushes Ed even more) I would treat myself to a little dessert once a week. Every time I do that I end up jonesing for a couple more days.
That's not the only interesting part of the diminished sugar diet. I have found other positives as well. My body seems to hate when I put sugar back in. I feel achy, irritable, moody and very bloated. I feel like I have literally gained 10lbs overnight. When I keep the sugar out, these symptoms happen much less. Unless I go and beat the crap out of my body lifting weights. :)
My quest to relieve PMDD (Pre-Menstural Dysphoric Disorder, something I have had to deal with for years) has been somewhat relieved by the withdrawal of sugar. The results have been pleasing. Of course not every month has been a ball of joy but I can say within the last three months the symptoms are more tolerable. The best part is my breasts don't triple in size and scream in pain when the wind blows. I'm not trying to be graphic, but I hope if anyone else can benefit from hearing my story, they too might get some relief.
This journey has led me to sign up at a recipe a day site. I wake up every morning and have an email waiting with the new "Recipe of the Day". Of course it's usually something I am not interested in, but it's still a great site that offers plenty of recipes I am willing to try. They offer great recipes of all sorts. Diabetic cooking, quick cooking, light cooking, Holiday cooking and many other dinner ideas. My mind says, "no fat, no sugar, no white food" so I have to do a lot of tweaking to my meals. The other day my husband said to me "Who are you and what have you done to my wife? When did you become such a good cook?" My reply, "What do you mean a good cook?" "You know, the last two weeks!" He has been getting meals of all sorts. All new and within those new meals are lots of interesting stories.
We had a rather extravagant meal last night, at least for us. I made Green Beans with caramelized garlic, a carrot salad dish, Pepper and Garlic-Crusted Tenderloin Steaks with Port Sauce, couscous and pineapple slices. Being that I am allergic to red wines I had to figure out another form of "sauce" to put on the steaks. Being that we didn't have any steak I used pork. I believe all recipes are made to be broken. The most interesting dish happened to be the Green beans with caramelized garlic. This recipe came with a bonus, the making of garlic oil to be used in the future.
Garlic Oil stored for the future may be a common thing to some but a new idea for me. You must keep in mind I have ADD in the kitchen. I don't like to cook, I hate the "first time preparation" of a recipe. I can't concentrate enough and get lost within the recipe and if I am not careful I will accidentally skip the most important step. Through my kitchen adventures I have learned to make popcorn rice and I have burned all sorts of dishes that have left battle wounds on my body, but most importantly I've decided I need a new stove and a whole bunch of new cooking utensils.
The recipe begins. You need a saute pan, 1/2 cup of olive oil and an entire garlic bulb. I, of course, held up the garlic and asked my husband "Is this a bulb?" He smiled and told me yes while nervously sitting in the living room waiting oh, so patiently. So I went for it. I started tearing apart the garlic bulb. I could already see this wasn't going to be easy. Peeling garlic is like trying to open up clam shell packaging. Mind you I have a nine year old that loves to help, this just wasn't the time for him to be puttering about the kitchen. Our kitchen is very small and, need I say more?
OK garlic peeled. I threw the garlic into the oil and I started to see it "cook". Boil? Sizzle? FRY? I thought, "hmmmm they didn't tell me anything about this". I mean what was I thinking? I was heating oil! Should it not fry the item that is applied to it?
So I let it be although I did turn the burner down a bit. I set the timer but forgot to turn it on. Another typical "Blue Eyes in the kitchen" moment. I started to panic as I saw the garlic getting darker and Darker and DARKER. OK it was done and I needed to get 2Tbs out of the "sizzling" oil to use for the rest of the recipe and the remaining oil was to be put in the fridge. Easy right? Not so much.
I wasn't prepared for a place to set the oil nor did I have a Tablespoon out. Imagine digging for a TBS in a junk drawer while holding a pan full of hot oil and rapidly burning garlic. Get the picture? Here I am holding the pan of oil as the garlic was continuing to cook, husband and child in the way and I was beginning to panic. I didn't want to start step one with a dismal failure so I was determined to get this right. I decided on a coffee cup for the oil and finally found the Tablespoon. The garlic was a "bit" darker than it should be but eh, what isn't that I cook? Here we go.
I take the Tablespoon and try to get the oil out. I was being very careful to not spill the hot oil and was having difficulty getting a Tablespoon filled. Finally the spoon filled, I pulled it out of the pan and dumped it into the coffee cup. While pouring that in I noticed something out of the ordinary. My Tablespoon was no longer a spoon. It was deformed, mutated and had strings hanging from it. I had also set the spoon I was using to stir the oil in the pan as I was spooning out the oil. If my Tablespoon was that mutated, what was the spoon in the pan going to look like? I quickly dropped the "Tablespoon" and grabbed the stirring spoon. The stirring spoon had molded to the pan and was stuck.
Hmmmmm, is plastic garlic oil healthy?
Yes folks, I was using plastic in hot oil. I announced from the kitchen "It's time for a trip to the kitchen supply store!" I never knew this new adventure would end up in retail therapy. Maybe eating healthy has more benefits than just a healthy body. Maybe it will replace the need for weekly therapy. I chuckled over all of this and continued to make the rest of the meal. Of course my nerves were a bit shaken, then again with kitchen ADD, they always are.
In the end it was a "success". We sat at the dining room table with the candles lit. My husband was grateful and wanted to eat every morsel I made, even the left overs I planned for his lunch. I had to stop him. I can't help my cooking is so good! To top it off, my son tried half of a pineapple slice.YIPPEE!
OH HEY! I just got a text message from my husband saying his lunch is delicious! Indeed a triumph! Oh wait, he just told me that it's time for some metal measuring spoons and thought it would be a great birthday gift for me. Hmph!
A mutated Tablespoon to triumph!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Hidden Treasures
Yesterday was a great day!
I spent a lot of time conversing via emails with a friend. All on various topics. I love being put in a place to think, reflect and share. I really enjoyed these conversations and am very thankful for those moments. I am also thankful that this friend enjoyed talking to me too and found my words interesting.
I have a couple friends that really seem to understand me. One I rarely have to explain myself because he already knows what is ticking in my brain before I can say it. He is patient and gives me time to express my feelings and when I am ready he knows exactly how to talk to me about them. I'm very lucky to have someone understand "me" so easily. Either he has some super natural talents or is my biological long lost twin brother, the kind of brother I never head. None the less, he is there for me.
I have a son who is wonderful to me. Not unlike many women, I dislike many parts of my body. There happens to be one part in particular, my stomach. You all know I have lost over 100lbs and unfortunately I have the scars to show it: loose skin. I hate my stomach. Anyway, I was wrestling around with my son and he put his hand on my stomach and I reacted quickly saying to not touch that. He looked at me oddly. I explained that I dislike my stomach and don’t really like people touching me there. He was understanding but then said to me. "Mommy, why? You are beautiful. You should know that God made you the way you are on purpose, just the way you are. He loves you and you should be thankful for what you have. You are so beautiful. I think you are beautiful, Dad thinks you are beautiful and God thinks you are beautiful, just the way you are". You can imagine how that made me melt and humbled me. An 8 year old should never be belittled, they are very wise and very honest. Their words should be heard just like everyone else.
I have a wonderful husband. He's patient, kind, loving and he cares. I do battle a Warcrack issue but over all the years I need to realize that's pretty minor, or is it? hmmm, I guess should talk to him about that. It does create some pain. Needless to say, he loves me for who I am. His famous quote, "If I wanted to marry someone that would cook and clean, I wouldn't have married you!" Some think that's horrible, I think it's honest and true and am grateful that he has that love for me. I wonder if there would be more love if the house was spotless...na...
I have some incredible talents I take advantage of or just sit on. Recently I was asked to teach a neighbor's child piano. I am not sure what to do. I could start teaching again. I love the little kids and watching them grow. I really should be singing again. I am not boasting here but you know, man can I sing. I thought it was all lost after so many years off but I tried about a month ago to find that of course I am rusty but no where near what I thought I'd be. I had convinced myself I was done, too old, voice gone to pot etc. Not true, I've got the goods!
Recently we had to have a diseased 60 year old tree cut down. It was on the boulevard. This tree was like the "Tree of Life". I used to watch it all summer, I would see it showing signs in the fall and what's coming around the corner. I would see it dead through the winter but then the beautiful signs of life would arrive. Regrowth, hope and renewal. There is nothing better after a long nine month MN winter than to see buds growing on a tree.
Well that tree is gone. A new tree has been planted in it's place. It's small,fragile and vulnerable. I'll never see it as the other tree was but at least I can nurture it and watch it grow. As I look out the window now at the gloomy, rainy and cold day it's standing there saying to me, "Tiff, get to know me, I'll be here for you for many years to come. I'll show you new life just as the other one did."
Being that I am the female cyclist in the house I can put my bike wherever I desire. I don't know how many men can get away with their bikes being placed leaning against the china cabinet all year long, but I can. Anyway, there she is. She looks out the window and knows that I'm not going to take her out today in this weather but she also knows that this last spring and summer she had some great times. I took her to Colorado in May and in July. We kicked some butt up the mountains and hauled ourselves over some great distances. I hated her sometimes. Well actually, I didn't hate I just needed a bit of space on those long rides. My friend laughs at me. There are times on long challenging rides where I just need to get off my bike and walk. It usually happens only once during a long mountain ride. My friend looks at me like "What the heck are you doing?". I just tell him, we need some space and to not worry. I'll get back on my bike and it won't take long. I don't go far because it's harder to push a bike up a mountain than to ride one, but I just need that space, to unclip, to separate. It's not about fatigue, it's about space. It's like stopping an argument and walking away before it begins. Once I'm back on, there is a feeling
of refreshment. So there she sits leaning against the china cabinet. She may be resting now but she knows there is so much opportunity in the future. So many places to explore, good times to be had, memories to be made and new people to meet.
What is this all about? It's about being thankful for what we have. I started this post by saying "Yesterday was a great day!" It was but it wasn't. I was down. I knew all was good in my life but I just couldn't feel happy. I tried to feel happy. I thought of happy things. I kept going even though I just wanted to take a nap. I even got out on a ride, albeit a "Smarties" ride, it was a ride. I breathed fresh air. I did something healthy for myself. Not only was that good for me but a good example for my son. I thought of all the things I had that others do not. I realized how lucky I am but still, not happy.
Maybe in time I'll find that happiness. I don't expect miracles overnight and I expect a lot of hard work in the meantime, but I hope. I especially hope my words can do something for you. Life is full of a lot of little riches. Sometimes we need to stop to see them. They may be hiding behind the door, or they may be staring you in the face, but stop and listen.
What are your little riches? Listen to your heart, look with your eyes and go find your hidden treasures.
I spent a lot of time conversing via emails with a friend. All on various topics. I love being put in a place to think, reflect and share. I really enjoyed these conversations and am very thankful for those moments. I am also thankful that this friend enjoyed talking to me too and found my words interesting.
I have a couple friends that really seem to understand me. One I rarely have to explain myself because he already knows what is ticking in my brain before I can say it. He is patient and gives me time to express my feelings and when I am ready he knows exactly how to talk to me about them. I'm very lucky to have someone understand "me" so easily. Either he has some super natural talents or is my biological long lost twin brother, the kind of brother I never head. None the less, he is there for me.
I have a son who is wonderful to me. Not unlike many women, I dislike many parts of my body. There happens to be one part in particular, my stomach. You all know I have lost over 100lbs and unfortunately I have the scars to show it: loose skin. I hate my stomach. Anyway, I was wrestling around with my son and he put his hand on my stomach and I reacted quickly saying to not touch that. He looked at me oddly. I explained that I dislike my stomach and don’t really like people touching me there. He was understanding but then said to me. "Mommy, why? You are beautiful. You should know that God made you the way you are on purpose, just the way you are. He loves you and you should be thankful for what you have. You are so beautiful. I think you are beautiful, Dad thinks you are beautiful and God thinks you are beautiful, just the way you are". You can imagine how that made me melt and humbled me. An 8 year old should never be belittled, they are very wise and very honest. Their words should be heard just like everyone else.
I have a wonderful husband. He's patient, kind, loving and he cares. I do battle a Warcrack issue but over all the years I need to realize that's pretty minor, or is it? hmmm, I guess should talk to him about that. It does create some pain. Needless to say, he loves me for who I am. His famous quote, "If I wanted to marry someone that would cook and clean, I wouldn't have married you!" Some think that's horrible, I think it's honest and true and am grateful that he has that love for me. I wonder if there would be more love if the house was spotless...na...
I have some incredible talents I take advantage of or just sit on. Recently I was asked to teach a neighbor's child piano. I am not sure what to do. I could start teaching again. I love the little kids and watching them grow. I really should be singing again. I am not boasting here but you know, man can I sing. I thought it was all lost after so many years off but I tried about a month ago to find that of course I am rusty but no where near what I thought I'd be. I had convinced myself I was done, too old, voice gone to pot etc. Not true, I've got the goods!
Recently we had to have a diseased 60 year old tree cut down. It was on the boulevard. This tree was like the "Tree of Life". I used to watch it all summer, I would see it showing signs in the fall and what's coming around the corner. I would see it dead through the winter but then the beautiful signs of life would arrive. Regrowth, hope and renewal. There is nothing better after a long nine month MN winter than to see buds growing on a tree.
Well that tree is gone. A new tree has been planted in it's place. It's small,fragile and vulnerable. I'll never see it as the other tree was but at least I can nurture it and watch it grow. As I look out the window now at the gloomy, rainy and cold day it's standing there saying to me, "Tiff, get to know me, I'll be here for you for many years to come. I'll show you new life just as the other one did."
Being that I am the female cyclist in the house I can put my bike wherever I desire. I don't know how many men can get away with their bikes being placed leaning against the china cabinet all year long, but I can. Anyway, there she is. She looks out the window and knows that I'm not going to take her out today in this weather but she also knows that this last spring and summer she had some great times. I took her to Colorado in May and in July. We kicked some butt up the mountains and hauled ourselves over some great distances. I hated her sometimes. Well actually, I didn't hate I just needed a bit of space on those long rides. My friend laughs at me. There are times on long challenging rides where I just need to get off my bike and walk. It usually happens only once during a long mountain ride. My friend looks at me like "What the heck are you doing?". I just tell him, we need some space and to not worry. I'll get back on my bike and it won't take long. I don't go far because it's harder to push a bike up a mountain than to ride one, but I just need that space, to unclip, to separate. It's not about fatigue, it's about space. It's like stopping an argument and walking away before it begins. Once I'm back on, there is a feeling
of refreshment. So there she sits leaning against the china cabinet. She may be resting now but she knows there is so much opportunity in the future. So many places to explore, good times to be had, memories to be made and new people to meet.
What is this all about? It's about being thankful for what we have. I started this post by saying "Yesterday was a great day!" It was but it wasn't. I was down. I knew all was good in my life but I just couldn't feel happy. I tried to feel happy. I thought of happy things. I kept going even though I just wanted to take a nap. I even got out on a ride, albeit a "Smarties" ride, it was a ride. I breathed fresh air. I did something healthy for myself. Not only was that good for me but a good example for my son. I thought of all the things I had that others do not. I realized how lucky I am but still, not happy.
Maybe in time I'll find that happiness. I don't expect miracles overnight and I expect a lot of hard work in the meantime, but I hope. I especially hope my words can do something for you. Life is full of a lot of little riches. Sometimes we need to stop to see them. They may be hiding behind the door, or they may be staring you in the face, but stop and listen.
What are your little riches? Listen to your heart, look with your eyes and go find your hidden treasures.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
"Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind."
I bought a new bike. I had it built and in 4 days I broke it down and packed it up. We, the bike and I, were headed for CO. ( I must name her. I like the name Tangerine. There is a character in a movie I like named Tangerine. She is one determined, eccentric challenging woman that won't let anyone get in her way. Only prob, my bike is orange and black, that makes my name for her rather lame don't you think?)
The CO trip..... I left to do my first brevet, 200k, Horsetooth and Beyond Brevet with Zen. It was put on by RMCC, Rocky Mountain Cycling Club, to which I am now officially a member. That makes me so cool! Don't you want to be just like me?
This brevet was hard! Three months into training I went from 1,200ASL to 7,800ASL with my longest ride of the year being 64 miles or so. This was a 124 mile ride. (Can we say STUPID?) Oh hell, what's another 60 miles and 10k feet of climbing gonna do to me, hurt? HA! It was just another tour de porta potty in CO and a few 18% climbs. Nothing to whine about.
We, Zen and I, made each check point and finished in time. I was very pleased with our ride time but once again very disappointed in total time. You see, I have some "issues" with my intestines. We spent a lot of time off bike and in "bathrooms". Needless to say, we FINISHED in the dark, LAST but we finished.
This flat lander went to elevation and kicked some ass in the mountains. Ya know what? I ALWAYS kick ass in the mountains! My friend claims I climb better than he does. He doesn't know it but he's full of shit. I don't climb better, I just get real mean and want to be done with it. Maybe I ride on because I don't want to hear the huffing and puffing of another hurting cyclist OR maybe I don't want that cyclist hear me hurting. That would make me human wouldn't it? Either way, both of our huffing and puffing is a reminder to me that it's painful and it's just easier to do it alone, I guess.
(Flashback of climbing with someone in town.............
I sit and spin up Genoa and I hear a flippin freight train behind me. Skinny little Blondie stands up and flies by me. She sounds like she is going to die but does she, no, she rocks instead! Her huffing made me realize that this climb sucked and due to my lack of mental toughness with others around, I shoot myself to the ground and I slow down. "Screw it!" I thought to myself. "Everyone can wait for me at the top but dammit, it's not going to be me that's hit puke zone and exhausted when I get there!" :P - end of side story.)
The rest of the CO trip was good and now I am back in the land of wind, rain and gloom. Why the hell do I live here? Three reasons, work, doctors and the bike shop. Maybe lame reasons to some of you readers, HA, that states there are readers.... anyway, don't want to explain.
I've been training hard. I'm exhausted. My LT has dropped therefore my training has sucked. New zones given to me. Next week we will see how performance goes.
This week I raced with the boys, one of which I am positive did not appreciate me being there. F him! To get strong and fast you need to push your limits. Pushing my limits means racing with the boys. Forcing me to do 25plus mph pacelines. Do that after a day before of 1300 cals (also including interval training), that day lifting heavy weights for 2 hours with high reps (also no nutrition) NOT COMPLAINING just stating fact, having a child MIA and looking all over the town for him and then not getting nutrition in, I think I did pretty good on the ride. I knew I was going to end before they did. I knew a bonk was coming but I chose it. I dug my own grave and I was going to bury myself on my own terms. That means, no favors. I didn't ask for favors. I clearly stated that if I dropped, and I knew I would, to let me drop. No sweep! It's not my fault that people decided to help me. I appreciate the help, it was very kind indeed, but their ride was ruined by me. I bonked. I couldn't even call it a "ride" back. I crawled.
First group ride of the year, a success! I was basically told to not join again, to ride in the "right" group. At least that's how I interpreted it. I also interpreted things such as having bought a bike that will soon be sold in Wal-mart.....
Some day my ass won't be as large as it is now. Some day I will kick so many people's asses on the bike and they won't even be able to come close to keeping up. Some day I will enter a race and shock the hell out of myself. Some day I will have the balls to do a town TT because I won't care what others think. Some day I'll get calls because someone will want to ride with me because I am fun to ride with and make them laugh. Some day I will smile again. Some day I will learn to live now, not in the future or the past. But, this is not that "some" day. Today is......
............Yet another happy entry from me.
One last thing, I am a nice person and I can make people laugh. I just wish those people lived here. And I wish I wasn't suck a bitch to them.
The CO trip..... I left to do my first brevet, 200k, Horsetooth and Beyond Brevet with Zen. It was put on by RMCC, Rocky Mountain Cycling Club, to which I am now officially a member. That makes me so cool! Don't you want to be just like me?
This brevet was hard! Three months into training I went from 1,200ASL to 7,800ASL with my longest ride of the year being 64 miles or so. This was a 124 mile ride. (Can we say STUPID?) Oh hell, what's another 60 miles and 10k feet of climbing gonna do to me, hurt? HA! It was just another tour de porta potty in CO and a few 18% climbs. Nothing to whine about.
We, Zen and I, made each check point and finished in time. I was very pleased with our ride time but once again very disappointed in total time. You see, I have some "issues" with my intestines. We spent a lot of time off bike and in "bathrooms". Needless to say, we FINISHED in the dark, LAST but we finished.
This flat lander went to elevation and kicked some ass in the mountains. Ya know what? I ALWAYS kick ass in the mountains! My friend claims I climb better than he does. He doesn't know it but he's full of shit. I don't climb better, I just get real mean and want to be done with it. Maybe I ride on because I don't want to hear the huffing and puffing of another hurting cyclist OR maybe I don't want that cyclist hear me hurting. That would make me human wouldn't it? Either way, both of our huffing and puffing is a reminder to me that it's painful and it's just easier to do it alone, I guess.
(Flashback of climbing with someone in town.............
I sit and spin up Genoa and I hear a flippin freight train behind me. Skinny little Blondie stands up and flies by me. She sounds like she is going to die but does she, no, she rocks instead! Her huffing made me realize that this climb sucked and due to my lack of mental toughness with others around, I shoot myself to the ground and I slow down. "Screw it!" I thought to myself. "Everyone can wait for me at the top but dammit, it's not going to be me that's hit puke zone and exhausted when I get there!" :P - end of side story.)
The rest of the CO trip was good and now I am back in the land of wind, rain and gloom. Why the hell do I live here? Three reasons, work, doctors and the bike shop. Maybe lame reasons to some of you readers, HA, that states there are readers.... anyway, don't want to explain.
I've been training hard. I'm exhausted. My LT has dropped therefore my training has sucked. New zones given to me. Next week we will see how performance goes.
This week I raced with the boys, one of which I am positive did not appreciate me being there. F him! To get strong and fast you need to push your limits. Pushing my limits means racing with the boys. Forcing me to do 25plus mph pacelines. Do that after a day before of 1300 cals (also including interval training), that day lifting heavy weights for 2 hours with high reps (also no nutrition) NOT COMPLAINING just stating fact, having a child MIA and looking all over the town for him and then not getting nutrition in, I think I did pretty good on the ride. I knew I was going to end before they did. I knew a bonk was coming but I chose it. I dug my own grave and I was going to bury myself on my own terms. That means, no favors. I didn't ask for favors. I clearly stated that if I dropped, and I knew I would, to let me drop. No sweep! It's not my fault that people decided to help me. I appreciate the help, it was very kind indeed, but their ride was ruined by me. I bonked. I couldn't even call it a "ride" back. I crawled.
First group ride of the year, a success! I was basically told to not join again, to ride in the "right" group. At least that's how I interpreted it. I also interpreted things such as having bought a bike that will soon be sold in Wal-mart.....
Some day my ass won't be as large as it is now. Some day I will kick so many people's asses on the bike and they won't even be able to come close to keeping up. Some day I will enter a race and shock the hell out of myself. Some day I will have the balls to do a town TT because I won't care what others think. Some day I'll get calls because someone will want to ride with me because I am fun to ride with and make them laugh. Some day I will smile again. Some day I will learn to live now, not in the future or the past. But, this is not that "some" day. Today is......
............Yet another happy entry from me.
One last thing, I am a nice person and I can make people laugh. I just wish those people lived here. And I wish I wasn't suck a bitch to them.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Give it to Me Baby
I WANT CHOCOLATE AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!
I am craving chocolate really badly. Ice cream, cookies, carrot cake. You name it. Crap just bring me a pound of pure sugar wait, never mind I want the chocolate.
I have been having a Dove Sugar free chocolate now and then. Don't get me wrong, it's great stuff but it's rotting my gut.
I started craving something sweet a few days before Valentine's Day. I was thinking "hey holiday, I can have chocolate". Well I was a pretty good girl not digging into anything but the craving still exists.
Many people will say if you can get through the craving you are OK or cravings only last a bit. What if the craving lasts for days? What is it called then? I think it's called TORTURE.
I want chocolate now............OR......... I could be persuaded into a hefty slice of carrot cake with loads of cream cheese frosting on top in the middle and throughout.
Um yeah.........
I am craving chocolate really badly. Ice cream, cookies, carrot cake. You name it. Crap just bring me a pound of pure sugar wait, never mind I want the chocolate.
I have been having a Dove Sugar free chocolate now and then. Don't get me wrong, it's great stuff but it's rotting my gut.
I started craving something sweet a few days before Valentine's Day. I was thinking "hey holiday, I can have chocolate". Well I was a pretty good girl not digging into anything but the craving still exists.
Many people will say if you can get through the craving you are OK or cravings only last a bit. What if the craving lasts for days? What is it called then? I think it's called TORTURE.
I want chocolate now............OR......... I could be persuaded into a hefty slice of carrot cake with loads of cream cheese frosting on top in the middle and throughout.
Um yeah.........
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Answer is Not 42
In light of Valentine's Day I thought I would tell you a story that took place a few days ago.
The other night during dinner I proposed a question to the little Guppy. "What makes a woman happy?" Mind you, guppy is 8 years old,I was still curious how the mind of the innocent would answer such a question.
He looked at me blankly as if to say, "What kind of question is that?" then his eyes lit up and said...."I KNOW I KNOW"....."Let the girl hit you and kick you, then you know she likes you and is happy!"
Trying not to laugh I had a stroll down memory lane looking back at grade school. The old phrase struck me "Boys Tease the girls they like", "Girls hit the boys they like". It's funny, things haven't really changed have they? Does that mean the long lived question "What makes a woman happy?" is still out for debate?
You would have thought with all the self-help books, the millions of dollars people spend on therapy, marriage counseling and the famous book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" the answer would be out there but it appears that it is not.
I don't think there is one simple answer. There are too many different kinds of women with each a unique personality. What one woman finds happy would make another angry. We are a finicky species. Our moods change as the seconds on a clock. I can say personally what might make me happy one day isn't what will make me happy the next. It's no wonder why men would run from this question or search, if anything they run out of pure exhaustion and fatigue.
In reality all this finickiness can appear pretty abusive. Is it fair to a man? Not only that, how are we responding with our mood changes? Are we polite about it or do we get frustrated and eventually explode? I can only answer for myself. There is a particular time of the month I have nicknamed myself Medusa. Need I say more? HEY, at least "I" nicknamed myself that and I AM willing to admit, I AM DIFFICULT! How else do you think Mr. BBB got his nickname, "Saint BBB." (thanks guys, you know who I am talking to here :P )
So I go back to the conversation with the little Guppy. I let him know that the answer of us hitting boys/men isn't really true. There are some very consistent things that make most women happy. I think at such a young age it is very important to teach him the right way to save both him and his future wife a lot of pain and trouble.
So guys, here is a very short list of WHAT WOMEN WANT.........
Guppy sat there with his eyes wide and listening intently. He was also able to tell me a bunch of stuff he has witnessed me pointing out in the stores. That gives me hope. I must be doing something right in his young training. Maybe there is hope for us all in the future but I must say I am a bit skeptical.
I hope this information has been of some benefit to you guys out there. I am a firm believer that too much information is better than not enough.
Finally, I will leave you with a quote by a very wise man that seemed to be in search of the same answer.
"The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, 'What does a woman want?' "
- Sigmund Freud
Wait a minute. How wise was this man? I mean after all, he thought I had Penis Envy!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE! :D
The other night during dinner I proposed a question to the little Guppy. "What makes a woman happy?" Mind you, guppy is 8 years old,I was still curious how the mind of the innocent would answer such a question.
He looked at me blankly as if to say, "What kind of question is that?" then his eyes lit up and said...."I KNOW I KNOW"....."Let the girl hit you and kick you, then you know she likes you and is happy!"
Trying not to laugh I had a stroll down memory lane looking back at grade school. The old phrase struck me "Boys Tease the girls they like", "Girls hit the boys they like". It's funny, things haven't really changed have they? Does that mean the long lived question "What makes a woman happy?" is still out for debate?
You would have thought with all the self-help books, the millions of dollars people spend on therapy, marriage counseling and the famous book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" the answer would be out there but it appears that it is not.
I don't think there is one simple answer. There are too many different kinds of women with each a unique personality. What one woman finds happy would make another angry. We are a finicky species. Our moods change as the seconds on a clock. I can say personally what might make me happy one day isn't what will make me happy the next. It's no wonder why men would run from this question or search, if anything they run out of pure exhaustion and fatigue.
In reality all this finickiness can appear pretty abusive. Is it fair to a man? Not only that, how are we responding with our mood changes? Are we polite about it or do we get frustrated and eventually explode? I can only answer for myself. There is a particular time of the month I have nicknamed myself Medusa. Need I say more? HEY, at least "I" nicknamed myself that and I AM willing to admit, I AM DIFFICULT! How else do you think Mr. BBB got his nickname, "Saint BBB." (thanks guys, you know who I am talking to here :P )
So I go back to the conversation with the little Guppy. I let him know that the answer of us hitting boys/men isn't really true. There are some very consistent things that make most women happy. I think at such a young age it is very important to teach him the right way to save both him and his future wife a lot of pain and trouble.
So guys, here is a very short list of WHAT WOMEN WANT.........
- To be listened to. That means eyes on her, not the TV or the computer but on her!
- To have you pay attention to her. Note how this is similar to the first one? This is more in-depth. Not only do you listen, you pay attention and hopefully you will remember in the future what she has said. Once again, eyes on her, not the TV or the computer. Have you ever been in a store and the woman you are with is talking about stuff you could care less about? Yeah, that's what I mean. That stuff is the stuff that if you remember in the future she will know you have paid attention to her.
- To be a mind reader. Yes I said it! We want it, we expect it, we demand it. I fully believe if you listen and pay attention you will be able to do this with little practice but it may take 30 years into your marriage to get there. So guys if you aren't there yet keep trying and don't give up. And women, be patient they are doing their best, (I think!)
Guppy sat there with his eyes wide and listening intently. He was also able to tell me a bunch of stuff he has witnessed me pointing out in the stores. That gives me hope. I must be doing something right in his young training. Maybe there is hope for us all in the future but I must say I am a bit skeptical.
I hope this information has been of some benefit to you guys out there. I am a firm believer that too much information is better than not enough.
Finally, I will leave you with a quote by a very wise man that seemed to be in search of the same answer.
"The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, 'What does a woman want?' "
- Sigmund Freud
Wait a minute. How wise was this man? I mean after all, he thought I had Penis Envy!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE! :D
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Alive Again
You may all bring my blog out from your inactive file to your active file.
I have recently updated my blog. I was really behind on some entries that I started back in September. To keep things in order I set the date in proper order.
To view these entries you will need to scroll back. Yeah Yeah, I know, sorry to make things so difficult for all of you :)
Here are the new entries for you to read. (That is if you want to read them) WAIT! Of course you do!!
1. September 25th, "Riding With A Pro"
2. September 26th, "Possible Wuss?"
3. September 27th, "A Mapless Journey"
4. October 1, "Dancing With Ed"
5. October 28, "Smelling the Cows"
6. February 11, "Erectile Dysfunction?"
ENJOY! It's a Ride with BBB. Detailed as usual. :D
I have recently updated my blog. I was really behind on some entries that I started back in September. To keep things in order I set the date in proper order.
To view these entries you will need to scroll back. Yeah Yeah, I know, sorry to make things so difficult for all of you :)
Here are the new entries for you to read. (That is if you want to read them) WAIT! Of course you do!!
1. September 25th, "Riding With A Pro"
2. September 26th, "Possible Wuss?"
3. September 27th, "A Mapless Journey"
4. October 1, "Dancing With Ed"
5. October 28, "Smelling the Cows"
6. February 11, "Erectile Dysfunction?"
ENJOY! It's a Ride with BBB. Detailed as usual. :D
Monday, February 11, 2008
Erectile Dysfunction?
It has been brought to my attention that there are some questions regarding Ed. Who he or what it is.
ED is NOT Erectile Dysfunction.
Ed is an Eating Disorder.
In my blogs I speak of Ed, not ED.
So when I say I need to "Dance Alone" I can dance with a partner just not Ed. ;)
Hope that has cleared up any confusion out there.
***Disclaimer:
I do not make fun or find fun in Erectile Dysfunction or anyone suffering from it.
ED is NOT Erectile Dysfunction.
Ed is an Eating Disorder.
In my blogs I speak of Ed, not ED.
So when I say I need to "Dance Alone" I can dance with a partner just not Ed. ;)
Hope that has cleared up any confusion out there.
***Disclaimer:
I do not make fun or find fun in Erectile Dysfunction or anyone suffering from it.
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