Having forced myself though another day, sleep came with difficulty. As much as my mind needed to stop I couldn't get it to settle for a good nights sleep.
Another day calmed by pharmaceuticals. Another night survived by pharmaceuticals. Thank God for drugs! Don't get me wrong, I abhor relying on drugs to get me through a day but if that's what it takes so be it.
I arose earlier than normal today to see what the world might bring by having a few more moments of time. I immediately had thoughts of fear and panic. I realized quickly that whatever might be the result is out of my control even if that meant losing someone dear to me.
To keep myself safe today I asked if someone would stay home with me. Always a wise move on my part.
One of my first thoughts this morning was to stay in touch with my emotions and not let them ride like a free ticket to Disneyland. If I could hold onto one thought at a time, one moment, then possibly I can control the vampires that want to suck my lifeblood.
Emotional regulation, staying in the moment, mindfulness, I will try anything today to keep my mind out of the gutter.
My first attempt, concentration on making the bed. Pull the sheets, tuck the sheets, pull the comforter, tuck the comforter, straighten out my work, add toss on the throw pillows. What may sound like a simple task to another was quite an interesting battle for me.
The first attempt successful until I had to get a cup of coffee. Demon bombardment. It is amazing that I might have to be doing this 24/7. My only hope is it eventually becoming permanent via practice. That is if I have the energy to practice and remember to practice.
Second attempt, get on the computer and talk to a friend. Success thus far. I fear, fear. I fear my words,I fear my thoughts, I fear what I might say to my friend.
.....................................
A few hours later........
I find myself in constant battle. The demands are strong and the feelings intense. This is going to be another tough day.
I pray for peace but in reality does it matter?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment