I was once told that Ed can go away forever. Through much reading and mental battles I fully believe that is a falsehood. Although, who am I to predict the future?
Ed and I have been best friends since grade school if not younger. He has always been with me. He talked to me, he helped me through my loneliness but most of all he allowed me to gain some control in life the control that was being stripped away.
Childhood rape is a very dangerous thing. I am not using the word rape as most people would think, sexual rape, I am using the word rape as the act of being stripped of all dignity, happiness and self-worth. The child's' soul is left empty, scared, full of hatred and confusion. Living with constant anxiety are the results of such happenings.
Now having said all that I want to return to my friendship with Ed. I know this blog entry will disappoint many people but I need to be truthful. People want me to say Ed is a separate entity. He is and he isn't. That is where I get very confused.
As I speak of my desires regarding my body image I hear "Wow Ed's got you by the &#%@!" I usually end up replying "No it's how I really feel, my belief, my truth." I then go into my spiel how truth lies in the eye of the beholder. If the beholder's eye sees a particular image therefore isn't it truth to that person? Comments such as these end up with eye rolls, amazement and shakes of the head. "Blue Eyes, you are finagling things again." - sigh!
I happen to like Ed. He helps me "get my act together". He keeps me accountable. He tells me to workout when I really need that push. He keeps me going when I want to give up. He pushes me beyond any limit I thought I could ever go. He is my friend but there is one major problem....He's a SOB!
He is mean, abusive, argumentative, foreceful, manipulative and extremely powerful. He is my force. He leads me to the dark side. He is a demon. Why do I choose to be friends with a demon? I guess I am too co-dependent. I need him. How can I break a friendship with someone that's been with me since I was a little child?
"Break free, hate him, push him away, put him in a box, bury him, tell him to leave you alone"... all suggestions I have heard. It's almost like I have schizophrenia, I see this "Force". He doesn't have a face, he doesn't have a form, he is a voice. A voice that NEVER goes away, a voice that is with me CONSTANTLY! He uses MY voice. How do I break free from MY OWN VOICE?
I know I need help but I have to want it. I am not sure I am ready at this time.
As a wise man once said......
"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
----Martin Luther King Jr.
I guess I need to start standing up straight.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The fruit of the Cow
Now I know most of you might be thinking through my perspective, "The fruit of the Cow" would be the wonderful creation, the Dairy Queen Blizzard. I must confess, that would be correct for most days but not today.
I am speaking of the original fruit, fruit once forbidden, a fruit otherwise known as Cheese.
Yes folks I am talking about Cheese tonight. How did this wonderful creation come about? Did someones mistake of leaving the milk out create a science project within the well? I am not sure nor do I care to investigate this matter. The reason I speak of this topic is due to it's beauty.
Not only does Cheese come in all shapes, sizes, textures, densities, and colors there is one very unique characteristic of Cheese, that would be it's aroma. Need I say more? If I do, you need to invest in more cheese. And that my friend is your own personal problem that I cannot help you with. Check out your your local grocery store and I am sure they would be more than willing to expand your horizons.
So here I sit eating my plain broccoli. Some might call that the fruit of little trees, but that would be another blog entry that I don't wish to discuss either. By the way, thank you very much for your understanding at my lack of enthusiasm of not wanting to talk about little trees.
Back on topic, broccoli or was it cheese? Hmmm now I have confused myself. If you have read any of my other blog entries I am sure you will easily excuse me for any lack of concentration on my behalf.
Yes it was cheese. I sit here eating plain little trees thinking that my mother always told me to eat them because they were good for me. Good and nasty at the same time. But they can be saved. Seriously folks I kid you not. The fruit of the Cow can save the little tree.
Being that the fruit of the Cow comes in all forms it does create a dilemma on which type of Cheese you choose to use for little tree saving. My choice was easy. The choice was given to me via Whirlpool and Kraft.
Sitting there eating the plain little trees, enlightenment came upon me. "Blue Eyes, open the big black box made by Whirlpool." said the little voice in my head. Of course there are other voices but at this moment I chose to listen to this voice, the voice of the Cow. I could hear it.....Mooooo........Moooooo.............Mooooooooo.
I opened up the door and there it was and nicely packaged in a Kraft easy zip plastic (I am sure designed by Cryovac). A beautiful mixture of Colby and Monterey Jack. Who was Colby and Monterey Jack? How did their names become the names of Cheeses? And what was their heritage, their mother's maiden name? Oh so many questions but best wait yet for another day.
I sprinkled the fruit of the Cow on my plain little trees and such a delight was born. A moment decided, marked in history, no more shall I eat plain little trees for they shall be covered by the fruit of the Cow.
Save the little trees from their depths of despair for they are lonely. Open your eyes to the fruit of the Cow and you will be free too.
I am speaking of the original fruit, fruit once forbidden, a fruit otherwise known as Cheese.
Yes folks I am talking about Cheese tonight. How did this wonderful creation come about? Did someones mistake of leaving the milk out create a science project within the well? I am not sure nor do I care to investigate this matter. The reason I speak of this topic is due to it's beauty.
Not only does Cheese come in all shapes, sizes, textures, densities, and colors there is one very unique characteristic of Cheese, that would be it's aroma. Need I say more? If I do, you need to invest in more cheese. And that my friend is your own personal problem that I cannot help you with. Check out your your local grocery store and I am sure they would be more than willing to expand your horizons.
So here I sit eating my plain broccoli. Some might call that the fruit of little trees, but that would be another blog entry that I don't wish to discuss either. By the way, thank you very much for your understanding at my lack of enthusiasm of not wanting to talk about little trees.
Back on topic, broccoli or was it cheese? Hmmm now I have confused myself. If you have read any of my other blog entries I am sure you will easily excuse me for any lack of concentration on my behalf.
Yes it was cheese. I sit here eating plain little trees thinking that my mother always told me to eat them because they were good for me. Good and nasty at the same time. But they can be saved. Seriously folks I kid you not. The fruit of the Cow can save the little tree.
Being that the fruit of the Cow comes in all forms it does create a dilemma on which type of Cheese you choose to use for little tree saving. My choice was easy. The choice was given to me via Whirlpool and Kraft.
Sitting there eating the plain little trees, enlightenment came upon me. "Blue Eyes, open the big black box made by Whirlpool." said the little voice in my head. Of course there are other voices but at this moment I chose to listen to this voice, the voice of the Cow. I could hear it.....Mooooo........Moooooo.............Mooooooooo.
I opened up the door and there it was and nicely packaged in a Kraft easy zip plastic (I am sure designed by Cryovac). A beautiful mixture of Colby and Monterey Jack. Who was Colby and Monterey Jack? How did their names become the names of Cheeses? And what was their heritage, their mother's maiden name? Oh so many questions but best wait yet for another day.
I sprinkled the fruit of the Cow on my plain little trees and such a delight was born. A moment decided, marked in history, no more shall I eat plain little trees for they shall be covered by the fruit of the Cow.
Save the little trees from their depths of despair for they are lonely. Open your eyes to the fruit of the Cow and you will be free too.
Align the Mind
Having forced myself though another day, sleep came with difficulty. As much as my mind needed to stop I couldn't get it to settle for a good nights sleep.
Another day calmed by pharmaceuticals. Another night survived by pharmaceuticals. Thank God for drugs! Don't get me wrong, I abhor relying on drugs to get me through a day but if that's what it takes so be it.
I arose earlier than normal today to see what the world might bring by having a few more moments of time. I immediately had thoughts of fear and panic. I realized quickly that whatever might be the result is out of my control even if that meant losing someone dear to me.
To keep myself safe today I asked if someone would stay home with me. Always a wise move on my part.
One of my first thoughts this morning was to stay in touch with my emotions and not let them ride like a free ticket to Disneyland. If I could hold onto one thought at a time, one moment, then possibly I can control the vampires that want to suck my lifeblood.
Emotional regulation, staying in the moment, mindfulness, I will try anything today to keep my mind out of the gutter.
My first attempt, concentration on making the bed. Pull the sheets, tuck the sheets, pull the comforter, tuck the comforter, straighten out my work, add toss on the throw pillows. What may sound like a simple task to another was quite an interesting battle for me.
The first attempt successful until I had to get a cup of coffee. Demon bombardment. It is amazing that I might have to be doing this 24/7. My only hope is it eventually becoming permanent via practice. That is if I have the energy to practice and remember to practice.
Second attempt, get on the computer and talk to a friend. Success thus far. I fear, fear. I fear my words,I fear my thoughts, I fear what I might say to my friend.
.....................................
A few hours later........
I find myself in constant battle. The demands are strong and the feelings intense. This is going to be another tough day.
I pray for peace but in reality does it matter?
Another day calmed by pharmaceuticals. Another night survived by pharmaceuticals. Thank God for drugs! Don't get me wrong, I abhor relying on drugs to get me through a day but if that's what it takes so be it.
I arose earlier than normal today to see what the world might bring by having a few more moments of time. I immediately had thoughts of fear and panic. I realized quickly that whatever might be the result is out of my control even if that meant losing someone dear to me.
To keep myself safe today I asked if someone would stay home with me. Always a wise move on my part.
One of my first thoughts this morning was to stay in touch with my emotions and not let them ride like a free ticket to Disneyland. If I could hold onto one thought at a time, one moment, then possibly I can control the vampires that want to suck my lifeblood.
Emotional regulation, staying in the moment, mindfulness, I will try anything today to keep my mind out of the gutter.
My first attempt, concentration on making the bed. Pull the sheets, tuck the sheets, pull the comforter, tuck the comforter, straighten out my work, add toss on the throw pillows. What may sound like a simple task to another was quite an interesting battle for me.
The first attempt successful until I had to get a cup of coffee. Demon bombardment. It is amazing that I might have to be doing this 24/7. My only hope is it eventually becoming permanent via practice. That is if I have the energy to practice and remember to practice.
Second attempt, get on the computer and talk to a friend. Success thus far. I fear, fear. I fear my words,I fear my thoughts, I fear what I might say to my friend.
.....................................
A few hours later........
I find myself in constant battle. The demands are strong and the feelings intense. This is going to be another tough day.
I pray for peace but in reality does it matter?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Driven by demons within.....
Fighting within the demons that slay me. The desire is so strong to empty the space that contains these thoughts. The options are great but the alternatives are slight. I am numb with an innate desire to get rid of the pain. How ironic to be numb but filled with such pain.
One might ask why contained with such pain. Is it a curse, is it my life to be, will it end? I desire to know the answers but it is not my right therefore I will continue to fight.
One might ask why contained with such pain. Is it a curse, is it my life to be, will it end? I desire to know the answers but it is not my right therefore I will continue to fight.
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