Rambling Revolutions

Thoughts from my first road ride of the year:

Those knee warmers that I wore on my last sweaty ride last fall, the ones that I never washed, they're still dirty. I wonder if I'm dressing right. I'm hot, nope I'm cold, hot, cold, hot. Steer! Not going to make that green light. Those hills I have always disliked, I still don't like. Wow was that a deer in the ditch?... nope only a branch. Damn am I hallucinating already? I guess I need to lower my HR. Here I am mucking again with my bike pulled off to the side and there goes another roadie. Jerk, must be nice to be comfortable. Shit, I'm standing in horse shit! There is horse shit in my cleats! "Kill the Rabbit, Kill the rabbit" I guess it doesn't matter if I pull off to muck with my bike, I can still catch those rabbits! HA! Take that baby! Thank you Eminem. The music on my shuffle will not change on it's own. If I want new songs I'm going to have to sit down and do it. "Body Language" probably isn't the best song to listen to as I climb this hill. Kiss my ass you doctor that called me old this winter! My ass doesn't hurt too bad and my "ahem" is still intact. My feet and pedals are still annoying. Why do I feel so lopsided? I need help. Yup, there is that numb hand again. Damn my neck is bugging me. Sit up, lighten yourself on the handlebars. Relax. Enjoy. Breathe. Slow the breathing and this hill won't hurt too bad. I wonder what Bob would think if he knew I had rap on my shuffle. Ahh I love this song!!! ("Closer" by Nine Inch Nails) People would freak if they knew I listened to that song. Prudes! Screw em. Maybe this saddle is the one. It has some pokies on my hamstrings then again, my "ahem" is still intact. When I leave the house needing to pee, I really should pee. Did I really used to be able to hold 31mph on this flat?...gotta work on that one. Damn I should have been leg pressing 800lbs all winter long. Wow! My new max HR is 222!....oh wait, now I'm dead, I guess I should have changed that HRM battery when I knew it was mucking up last year. Too many numbers! Must ride faster, no, must enjoy ride, no, must keep a good pace, no, enjoy the ride damnit! Screw the avg pace, nobody else will know it. Those last 10lbs really need to come off but at least I've lost 12 so far. Resistance was futile with the Easter candy this year. Stupid chocolate. New week, new battle. Well now, that's way too much cleavage showing. I should have tightened my bra. Gmaps pedometer is never accurate. 14.5 mile ride is the same as 22 miles, right? That was probably 5 miles too long for my butt. Will I have enough hot water to have a really long hot shower this time? Duh, that's a dumb thought. We didn't get the new water heater we were going to get. Dude, I know you want to turn right on this red but my ass is in the way so bite me. What's the deal? New dog here, new dog there. Must have been a spring dog sale to replace all the country dogs that got run over last winter. That's OK, there will be less come fall because they'll just get hit like the rest of the crew. I will race this road and no Scott, I won't slow down. Don't tell Bob my butt didn't hurt too bad, he'll start nagging me. I sure hope he doesn't call me to go to Power today. I mean, I should be good but then again I don't really want to go. I'll go tomorrow. Silly Mike worrying about a faster pace the beginning of the season. I never have a fast pace the first few rides. Damn I'm riding slow. What the fuck is up with this pace! I can't believe how slow I am going. Isn't this a 20mph road? Didn't I just have this conversation with Mike? Yeah but he has mountains and I'm on flats. Shit. Oh screw it! Just don't tell him I am pissed at my pace because the same shit I gave him for advice will slap me back in the face. I'm taking Doug's hook when I get home.

Etc.